Lost

Sometimes it may feel like you’re doing everything you can to keep up with the revolving world around you but everything seems to be spinning out of control and you’re falling behind faster and faster. Sometimes it may feel like you’re swimming in a cold ocean of weighing choices and failure is the only thing waiting for you in its fathomless depths.

Maybe it’s the financial pressure and instability I have recently found myself in, maybe it’s the lack of exercise, maybe its the procrastination, maybe its the avoidance…And maybe it’s all of this together but I have felt at a loss for the past few weeks. I can’t focus on the things I feel I must do and I keep spending time on things that aren’t productive. But as I’ve stated in my previous post, productivity has been closely tied to my sense of self worth…But I don’t want that for myself anymore and I think I know how I can return to a world that spins and an ocean that threatens to drown me and still stay afloat…and I think it has to come from me but that I can’t do it alone.

This thought came from an epiphany I had recently about my school work.

I’ve come to the point where I need to write a thesis for my Master’s program and writing a thesis just means writing a 20+ page paper in which you “say something interesting about something interesting.” Or so I was told. But as I was being told about what a thesis should look and feel like in writing class…I could feel my heart flutter with fear…And I decided to ask it why are you scared? And I realized…My teachers are asking me to think seriously of an assignment and take my ideas seriously and I don’t want to be taken seriously.

I have been in college for about 7 years now and I’ve realized that almost every time I’ve had a high-stakes assignment due, I chicken out in some way and turn it in late or really try not to put effort into it which would make me feel like a failure. But why would I do that to myself? I don’t like it but I keep doing it again and again. And that’s because I didn’t want to be taken seriously as a college student. To be taken seriously is scary. It means that there is a lot to be expected of me. If someone took my thoughts and ideas seriously then that would lead them to take me seriously and they could seriously scrutinize me and that seriously scares me (ok, I won’t use that word anymore, seriously).

I realized, it’s that fear of being exposed and scrutinized that has really weighed me down. It’s the fear of showing my true self, my true hard work, and my true thoughts that has left me with no real connection to others–that has pushed me away from others. I was alone, lost and drowning because the thought of NOT being alone was that much more terrifying.

But I am tired of feeling alone and lost. I am tired of drowning. I know I can’t hold onto the help and rafts of others if I turn myself away from them. So when someone holds their hand out, I will reach back. I have been lucky enough to be continually surrounded by people with helping hands and willing hearts. There are people who are willing to listen and I am lucky enough be with them. Now all I have to do is let them listen. Let them know me and let them take me seriously.